To: Brad Blackstone
From: Jerome Goh
Subject: Self-introductory Email
Dear Professor Brad Blackstone,
I would like to take this
opportunity to formally introduce myself. My name is Jerome Goh and currently
studying as a telematics undergraduate in Singapore Institute of Technology
(SIT). Prior to national service, I completed my diploma in business process
& systems engineering in Temasek Polytechnic (TP).
My interest in this course started
out as a practical idea: being able to secure a job in the next few years. I decided to take this course even though it was almost completely new to me as most of the modules I have no affiliation to my diploma. Despite this, I am
willing to learn and hopefully find myself doing this as a career in the
future. However, my love for automobiles, which I picked up from my father, made
me really interested in a possible career in this sector.
In terms of my communications
strengths, I find myself being able to communicate effectively to strangers or
superiors. During my internship in my polytechnic days, I was given the
opportunity to present my group’s project proposal to a board of higher
management from the company as they were interested to find out more about it.
I was presenting my group’s idea to a group of people I had never met before.
This experience gave me more confidence in talking to strangers and
stringing my thought process quickly and effectively.
The biggest difficulty I find
myself facing would be public speaking. I have presented countless times during
my polytechnic days, but I find myself unable to present myself confidently
with large groups of people. It often causes me to stutter as I awkwardly
string my words into coherent sentences.
The goals I have set by the end of
this trimester would be to improve on my writing skills and my public speaking.
I would like to polish them and turn these into my strengths. I look forward to
learning more from you with your guidance over the course of the remaining
weeks.
Thank you for taking your time to
read this.
Yours sincerely,
Jerome
Edited: 3rd October 2018
Blog Posts commented on: Amos, Aron, Khatcharin
Edited: 3rd October 2018
Blog Posts commented on: Amos, Aron, Khatcharin
The content of your introduction email is very clear and concise and it gave me a good understanding of your background. For the 1st paragraph, you should add "am" after stating your name and wishing to continue in the same sentence: "My name is Jerome Goh and am currently studying..."
ReplyDeleteHi Khat,
DeleteThank you for the constructive feedback. I will look into improving my structuring in future posts.
Hi jerome,
ReplyDeleteOverall the content is good and structured. Only a few mistakes and improvements to take note of.
For example, in paragraph 2 you mentioned "I decided to.... I have no affiliation to my diploma." I feel that it could be rephrase and be straight to the point. A better sentence in my opinion would be "I decided to take this course even though it has no affliation to my diploma."
Another example is in paragraph 4 where you said ",but I find myself unable to present myself confidently with large groups of people." Actually, one of the 'myself' can be omitted so it becomes "but I find myself unable to present confidently with large groups of people." This would sound better
Hi Hilman,
DeleteThank you for the comments and the constructive feedback. I will look into improving it in future posts.
Dear Jerome,
ReplyDeleteThank you for this detailed reflection. It is clear and concise yet comprehensive since you provide lots of meaningful details of support for each assignment point. Your ideas also flow effortlessly, showing good fluency. I appreciate the way you connect your interest in cars with your dad and the choice of study and future career.
There are a few minor language issues in this draft. Please review the following:
1. sentence structure
-- My interest in this course started out as a practical idea for it being able to secure a job in the next few years to come. >>> (odd structure) My interest in this course started out as a practical idea: Being able to secure a job in the next few years.
-- I decided to take this course which was almost completely new to me as most of the modules I have no affiliation to my diploma. >>> (odd structure)
I decided to take this course even though it was almost completely new to me as most of the modules I have no affiliation to my diploma.
-- Through this experience, it gave me more confidence in talking to strangers and stringing my thought process quickly and effectively. >>> (ask me about this)
2. punctuation
-- However, my love for automobiles which I picked up from my father made me really interested in a possible career in that sector. >>> (extra info is set in commas)
However, my love for automobiles, which I picked up from my father, made me really interested in a possible career in THIS sector.
3. verb issues
-- I was presenting my group’s idea to a group of people I have never met before. >>> (Having two actions in the past, one before the other, requires past perfect.)
I was presenting my group’s idea to a group of people I HAD never met before.
--- The biggest difficulty I find myself facing would be public speaking. >>> (verb tense consistency)
Despite these issues, this is a good letter. Revising will make it even better.
Cheers,
Brad
Dear Professor Brad,
ReplyDeleteThank you for taking your time to read my letter and giving me feedback. I will heed your advice and make the necessary changes to the letter and improving my sentence structuring.
I look forward to learning more from you in the upcoming lessons.
Regards,
Jerome Goh